It was Christmas Eve Day and Pam was alone and feeling vulnerable. She had to make this year special for both of them. This year was an especially tough year for her and Sara. Battling addiction had consumed their whole lives and they were starting to make meaningful progress. Sara had been addicted to pain medication since she was in her teens. When she broke her leg in two places and needed surgery the pain was intense. Throughout her recovery she became addicted to pain killers. It is ironic, she thought, that during her recovery she became ill on a whole other level. Pam couldn’t bear to see her daughter in pain. She was what they called an enabler. She fit the definition precisely: A person who makes destructive behavior possible. The wretched person who made it possible! The thought of hurting her child is the last thing she wanted to do. It was as if she could physically feel Sara’s pain.
Last year Pam made the decision that a geographical change was necessary for both of them to recover and heal. Leaving behind the dealers, friends that use and of course the family that brutally judged them was a step in the right direction. She never really needed anyone. Pam was far too independent and self-sufficient to depend on a man, or anyone for that matter. Sara’s father was more of a hindrance than a help anyway. He had been a serial cheater and always put them both down. He never physically abused either one of them and that is the only reason she second guessed leaving the bastard. A girl needs her father and Pam used this as well as many other excuses for Sara’s behavior. The blame game was wearing her out. She beat herself up for taking her away from him more times than she can recall.
Although they were alone this Christmas she had to make it special. A trip to the beach always provided temporary joy when she needed comfort. They were only 2 hours from the shore and that is what they would do. She told her 23 year old daughter to pack an overnight bag and they would find a hotel that is pet-friendly and on the beach.
The drive seemed long and her nerves were shot. Why does she always turn simple things into such an ordeal? She envisioned the way this trip should go and that leads to all the ways it could possibly go wrong. Before she knows it she is picking and nagging at Sara about things that didn’t happen.
She didn’t make a reservation for the hotel just in case it happened to be a dump. The Island Resort sounded perfect but that made her think it was too good to be true. Things always seem to look better online than in person. The hotel was pet-friendly, on the beach, looked picturesque and in her price range! What was the catch?
They pulled into the parking lot of the Island Resort Hotel and her doubts were validated. The hotel was indeed on the beach and had a beautiful outdoor pool; however the place was deserted and dilapidated. There wasn’t a car or person in sight. The only indication that they were open was a glaring orange vacancy sign blinking in the window. This can’t be good, she thought. She exited her jeep and anxiously walked up to the rental office. As she pulled on the door she read the typed note hanging just above the knob. It instructed her to call a phone number to talk to the receptionist. Due to the holidays they were not staffing the office.
The location was perfect and Sara was already exploring the area. So she quickly dialed the number before her brain over thought the decision. I really want this to be legitimate, she thought. The woman on the other end of the phone seemed equally suspicious of her and asked some validating questions to see why they were in the area. After a barrage of questions, they made the unanimous decision that she would rent the room. Once she had paid over the phone and the room was hers for the night she was instructed on how to retrieve the keys. She was told to go around the blue, square post that was in front of the rental office and look in the mailbox. There were 7 keys in various envelopes with names printed on them. She was told to take the envelope marked Fernandez and go to room 105. Either she was sharing the room with the Fernandez family or they were a no-show. She did as she was told and she was in.
There was something about the room that disturbed her although it seemed quite ordinary. The outdated two room suite had one King sized bed and a pull out Queen sized sofa. The wallpaper reminded her of the house she grew up in. The small pastel sea shells pattern with tiny red triangles in a line was a depressing reminder of the past. Sara was outside on the patio smoking a cigarette when Pam decided it was time to head to the beach.
At that same moment, another jeep pulled into the parking lot. This was a newer model Jeep than hers. She had always wanted a Wrangler and promised herself that she will trade in her 2004 Cherokee as soon as things settled down.
Before Pam stepped away from the patio she waited in order to say hello to the only other guests. An older woman with a cane started to make her way towards them. She introduced herself and her daughter and said they were in the room right above ours. Their black Labrador was eager to get upstairs and pulled the daughter along. Pam and Sara introduced themselves and remarked to each other about the coincidence of the Jeeps and the black dogs, not to mention that they were both a mother and daughter couple. They agreed it was unique and smiled politely before disappearing up the stairs.
Strange Pam thought as she walked towards the beach. The mother seemed to be in her 60’s and the daughter in her 40’s. That is Sara and me in 20 years! Pam was startled with the stark reality that if things really do not change she will remain alone forever.
The fog was so dense on the beach she would have thought she were in the sky amongst the clouds. It appeared she and Molly was the only ones on the beach. It was really quite peaceful and heavenly. This dramatic scene she was a part of put her in a calm and peaceful state of mind immediately. It allowed her to gain insight without using her mind to deluge her being.
Although she couldn’t see two feet in front of her she could see more than she ever had. The past few years her focus was solely on her daughter. It was only within the last few months that she realized her problems were solely caused by herself. Her enabling was not about fear of losing her daughter to addiction – the core of her enabling came from fear of not being in control. This need to be in complete control and handle everything on her own developed as a young child. From an early age she was taught through example that a woman needed a man in order to be successful. However a man did not need a woman for anything. That thought infuriated her to her core and had motivated her subconsciously to never depend on a man. Did she think that proving herself to no one in particular could somehow change the world in which she grew up? The premise that she did not need a man to be considered successful had been her downfall. What she considered success was a twisted version of wanting to be what her mother was not. Her mother was not strong enough to set boundaries and demand respect. That, ironically was exactly who she had become.
The tortured soul that was standing on the beach trying to see the truth through the dense fog was not who she thought it was. I am the character that I have been writing about for years! It is me who has been living under the guise of being in control. I have been writing about a girl and then a woman who never quite found her way. I was always trying to solve her problems when it was me that needed the help. My pain was transferred to my daughter whom became an outlet for my grief. My self-righteousness and harsh independence prevented me from even acknowledging that I needed help. This trip to the beach on Christmas Eve Day has been a series of omens that guided me to the darkness so that I could see that I have been my own worst character.
Becoming Writer 2016 Anniversary Contest 