My name is Jasmine Cruz Adams and I’m a poet, I recently lost all my inspiration the moment that my husband of 20yrs unexpectedly died, leaving me feeling lost and alone. For all these years he has been my inspiration and my muse, and now he is no longer by my side. He has been my rock, my number one fan, encouraging me to write when there were times I didn’t even feel like writing. He was there and he is now gone.
Spending the last six months not knowing exactly what to do and just living on autopilot, I decided I need to continue with my writing and today is the day, I need to move on.I was determined to write the ultimate poem of love and life. Having saved up enough money, my husband leaving me quite comfortable, and all the kids grown and gone, I was on a quest to find my new muse and in my mind that meant travel.
While Derek was alive we always enjoyed travel and Europe was always our main destination, that is where I will start my journey. Paris has always brought beautiful memories, especially because that is where we met and then where he proposed. I was able to book a room in our favorite hotel, Hotel 7 Eiffel that we visited two years ago and we just completely enjoyed.
It will be hard to go back without him, but this is what will make me or break me. I know that Derek wouldn’t want me to give up on my dreams. What better place to celebrate who he was than by going to the one place we both loved, Paris. Our youngest son Jeremy already said that he would take me to the airport, but he is not too thrilled that I’m traveling by myself. He too understands this is something that I need to do though in order to survive. He knows that without this trip I will become lost and this is something he does not want,
The day of the trip I’m rushing to get everything ready before Jeremy picks me up to take me to the airport. I didn’t get much sleep last night with my brain going over a mental checklist of everything that had to be done. Good thing that my oldest daughter Amy will be checking up on the house for me while I’m away. I’m so going to miss Tobias my cat but he will be fine with Amy checking up on him.
I’m excited and nervous at the same time, knowing that I’m taking this journey on my own. It scares me, but I know I need to do it, I desperately need my muse because without it I’m not too sure if I can survive. This means finding out if I am my own muse.
Once I arrive to the hotel I’m staying at and checked in, I settle in my room and the memories start to flood thru my mind. My breathing is starting to become shallow and an uneasy feeling is flowing thru me. That is when I start to feel the tears falling down my cheek. Remembering every moment like it just happened, seeing the patrol car coming up to the house. Seeing the police officers walk to the door and telling me that my husband was in a head on collision, that the other driver had crossed a red light, and Derek would not be coming home. That the person you have spent your life with, thru the good and bad, will not be there ever again.
I was now able to really mourn my husband and at the same time say goodbye to him until we meet again. Now was the moment I needed to start to live again and begin my new journey, One thing Derek and I always talked about was that our lives would not stop in the case of either one passing, we would continue to live. His love for me was so big that he would not want me to suffer and numb myself.
I decided that a warm shower would feel lovely at this moment, followed by a nap, especially after my long plane ride. I decided that I would put on the alarm on for an hour and then go for an early dinner. After taking a warm shower, I put on my favorite yoga pants and T-shirt. As I am dozing off, I felt a sense of peace and a warmth, but yet I was feeling a slight chill and decide to get under the covers. That is when I saw it being played out in my mind, the day Derek and I came to Paris and he proposed to me. What a beautiful day that was and I was so excited to start a new life with him.
Derek was looking so handsome. He always had his black hair to his shoulder and he would put it in a ponytail. I was so crazy for his hair and he had the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. He had a heart of gold, which is what attracted me to him, he was kind and noble. He was a loving husband and a great father to his three kids.
As we were walking he took my hand and we saw the Eiffel Tower in the distance. With no agenda at hand, just walking and looking at the sights, when we arrived to the Tower and just stopped for a moment. Derek turned to me and looked at me with a look in his eyes. He went on one knee and took out the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. Derek knew I had a liking to rubies and the was a princess cut with diamonds surrounding the most perfect looking ruby.
Even within my dream I knew something was not right, it felt so good seeing him, but something was telling me that it’s not true, that it was not real, but my heart was wanting to believe it was happening. Seeing him on bended knee, just didn’t make it any easier. How I love him so and how wonderful our life will be. The sky looked so blue and the clouds so puffy and white, it was the perfect setting for a proposal, my proposal. Then it started to change and nothing looked beautiful and the peace that I felt was now leaving me.
Everything was turned dark and an uneasy feeling was taking a hold of me. All of sudden I just needed to run. I really didn’t know what I needed to run from, but that is what I started to do. I’m seeing Derek chasing me trying so hard to catch up to me, but I was just running faster and not looking back. Yet, I see myself again and this time I’m in the house that we first lived in and I see Derek holding Amy and that was the most beautiful sight to see. The bond that they shared was breathtaking. How he loved his first born and the look of achievement that can be seen
in his eyes. I could spend hours just watching him interact with her. That bond was never broken and when Derek had his accident, it was Amy that went to identify him. How strong my girl has been makes me so proud.
No matter how I tried to leave that home there was no way I could. I was there, reliving every moment, every detail of my life as if it were being played in the movies. It was beautiful, but heartbreaking at the same time. This went on for what felt like hours and then I saw myself with Isaiah and how that child came into the world and how he had changed our lives. He was our surprise child and at the moment when we needed him the most. Derek and I were struggling and I felt so lost, so neglected and unappreciated and we were about to call it quits. When I found out I was pregnant, it was a shock to him as well as myself, especially when I was on the pill, but it happened and what a blessing he was. Jeremy our youngest was just a joy, he just brightens up the room and the bond that Derek had with Jeremy was one of old friends. They just knew what each one needed.
Then all I saw was Derek and he had a look of peace and satisfaction. That all that needed to be achieved was and now he can move on and allow me to do the same. He will always be near in my heart.